Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.

[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.

marriage is sneezing 3 times in a row and then hearing someone in the next room yell “JESUS CHRIST”

my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.

Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.

Me:

Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…

Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.

If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.

Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂

Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE

Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more

GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot

My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk

[inventing flies]

GOD: make them eat shit

ANGEL: got it

GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world

ANGEL: ok who hurt you?

*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*

The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking

to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead

My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.

The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.

My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.

Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.

My circle of trust is a meatball

Date: So what do you do for fun?

Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.

The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.

I missed going to the gym today.

So that’s 20 years in a row now.

{first day as a dermatologist}

DOCTOR: what brings you in today?

PATIENT: psoriasis.

DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.

Wow. It’s a good thing UPS hid this under the doormat for me so no one would steal it…

i said it was my favourite show, i didn’t say it was good

I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.

It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.

“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker

Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.