Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?

damn he’s good

The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.

Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.

mary: you booked a room right
joseph (playing on wooden xbox): yeah totally

You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.

*Unfrenches your fries*

she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur

Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?

you’re damn right i have

Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?

4 Year Old: Chocolate

Me: You really are my child.

If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul

any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.

Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour

[sermon]

There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!

*T-1000 shifts nervously*

The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.

I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

“I could eat.”

-me (right after I’ve eaten)

You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want

Optometrist: better or worse?

Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now

My patronus is a cheeseburger

oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer

Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.

My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.

Me: Be still you have something on your face.

4: Is it a snail?

Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?

4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.