[first day on the job]
Newspaper editor: Don’t worry, you’ll have supervision
Clark Kent: *sweating* Who told you?
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I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Strive for greatness. Do 15 pushups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Burn your ex’s house down. Eat the whole cake instead of a slice. I believe in you.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Welcome
Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Hmm, not sure about this change
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Limited budget
Just did a big green poo by a canal
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight