[first day on the job]
Newspaper editor: Don’t worry, you’ll have supervision
Clark Kent: *sweating* Who told you?
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[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Passwords are more important than ever.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Apparently they check bags at the movies now tell me why I admitted to all my snacks talmbout some “Ok wait, i can explain, it’s just cheetos and wine” and the cop was confused as hell assuring me “Ma’am we are searching for weapons”
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
My neck my back my allergy attack
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
It’s almost ten o’clock, time for me to go outside and hit this big sheet of metal with a hammer in the parking lot for an hour and then turn my car alarm on
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
i think my razor is having a panic attack
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable