[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
You Might Also Like
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
If politicians can text my cell phone asking for money I should be able to text them directly with policy suggestions.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
My daily affirmation
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles