Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?

Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.

Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.

i know i’m gonna be alone forever because one time i went on a date with a guy who told me he was an optometrist for the veterans association and i said “haven’t they seen enough”

I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up

CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse

MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull

PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.

Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.

If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.

There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug

There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for life

So anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.

Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.

Me: I’m braver than any marine.

Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?

Me: Any, uh, marine animal.

Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?

non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”

Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.

HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.

*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*

ME: I also have big news.

Nothing infuriates me more than when I’m on my phone and something wants me to scan a QR code. With what Jan? With. What.

I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out

I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.

Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”

Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.

As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.

This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.

From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”

Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.

8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*

Me: Why do you look so angry?

8: I was getting my picture taken.

Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.

my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run

me: *nodding* no more running, got it

Mom: Where’s your brother?

Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes

Mom: Mosh?

Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]

Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..

*how I slept

Me: tushy tushy!

Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*

Dumplings,

Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.