[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
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hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
🧠
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons