[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
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BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
#ParentingFacts
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.