[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
You Might Also Like
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Finally! 😈
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards