[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
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eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:
Stamps: Lickie Stickies
Defibrillators: Hearty Starty
Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby
Lamp: Lighty Brighty