Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.

Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.

[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY

What do you mean there’s only 3 hours of sunlight left, I haven’t had lunch yet???

Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.

Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.

You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.

You can’t have both.

you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school

Day 1 of diet:

forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.

[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!

me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats

[sitting on the deck with my son]

Me: look son, everything the light touches-

Son: yes dad?

Me: -you have to mow.

big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing

financial freedom is alive and well

I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters

Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.

I feel sorry for dogs. They learnt to fetch newspapers, but newspapers are dying. Killed by an internet driven by cats.

Never be a pizza!

Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”

Me, “Please…I have a family.”

*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*

Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.

My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.

People clown on Sun Tzu for giving really basic and obvious advice but keep in mind that emperors and nobles at the time were drinking mercury to become immortal. I think he knew his audience.

This chick just said Q as in cucumber.

I’ma just focus on me.

Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.

Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”

I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.

I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.

Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere

I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty