[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
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It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn
Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*