Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.

Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.

My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.

Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.

Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?

Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.

Baller is short for ballerina

The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.

Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.

Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?

Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread

Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.

Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.

Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.

Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.

I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.

if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler

People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄

What kind of a cult is this?

Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker

General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.

Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs

(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers

My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.

So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.

not hearing back from people right away:

2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.

2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about

Family: You never call anymore.

Me: I’m calling now?

Fam: Now’s not a good time.

Me: When should I call?

Fam: Anytime.

Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.

Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.

Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.

I know this now.

The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.

I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”

A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.

(flirting) sooo how do you feel about girls who are brooding, intense, and inherently off-putting in all social situations

An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.

[playing the game of life]

instructions: the player with the most money wins

me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic