[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
This January has 47 Mondays
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
