Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors

When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.

Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.

I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo

3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*

Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*

3: THAT WAS MINE!

[Home Depot staff meeting]

BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?

ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.

I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day

I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.

“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.

friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.

A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”

[First date]

Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?

Him: Water?

Me: No, my personality.

Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”

My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.

Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.

JUDAS: any weekend plans?

JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided

JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both

JESUS: what?

JUDAS: what?

Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?

Me: *jumps out the window*

People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…

I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.

AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain

Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.

what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar

eats a dozen doughnuts…

*checks for flabs*

These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣

*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle

ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward

GENE: what is it

ME: hygiene

GENE: hi kev

[crime scene]

BATMAN: Who the hell are you?

MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?

BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.

MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.

[BATBAT arrives]

BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?

Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.

I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.

You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse