Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

husband: *worrying*

me: I don’t think you should worry about that

husband: well what should I worry about instead then

Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!

Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.

Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..

Uh oh…..

Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?

Me: An uber haha

Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!

Couples Therapist: Yes

Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed

If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately

When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”

My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment

[commercial for tupperware]

Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?

– Tupperware

am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes

No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.

A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes

Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT

THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world

ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE

There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.

Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time

[100 year old man on job interview]

“Do you have any references?”

Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*

Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒

Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS

If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.

I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.

barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??

ken:

barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*

Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude

Accurate

before coffee: don’t talk to me

after coffee: please don’t talk to me

Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes

My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need

My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.

“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.

My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me

The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.

It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang