[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
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I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Noah
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Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
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“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
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My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
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A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?![]()
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
no regrets
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My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.