Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*notices it’s not even 8am*

*been tweeting like a boss…*

*…to 5 insomniacs*

In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.

Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake

Me: aww you must really love cake

Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess

“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*

I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!

got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not

the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it

Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s

Genie: done

Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy

Me: shhh

We cannot all be trying to head home at 5:00PM. We have to start going home in groups

Me: *calls* How are my kids?

Grandma: We’re having so much fun

Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-

Grandma: Come get your kids.

I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:

Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.

And then he walked away like it was completely normal.

Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…

If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.

For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.

asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready

You’d be amazed at the number of people that like Piña Coladas and getting caught in the rain who also have a suspended drivers license.

My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.

eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.

When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix

On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten

We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.

[dentist]

receptionist: with copay that will be $15

me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of

“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.

But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.

“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”

But on he worked.

I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles

Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.

Me: Almost? Quitter.

Not sure how it’s happened but my phone has started autocorrecting ‘thinking’ to ‘honking’ which has dramatically undermined about 90% of texts I’ve sent recently

I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.

I don’t always push on pull doors but when I do, I do it two or three times to confirm how dumb I really am.

We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.

[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.