[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
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every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Me trying to reach for my goals
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way