[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
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You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
when u come home smelling like another dog
– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy