Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula

13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday

what do you want to eat?

what are you in the mood for?

[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*

[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier

Best table by far

*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”

I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone

If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away

I swear some people should be banned from cooking

i installed a ceiling fan in my room

When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.

My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”

Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.

I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug

Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]

(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes

Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.

Plus, I’m 35

Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.

Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.

Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer

Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks

Friend: Please don’t, please

Me: It’s about time

Ex-Friend: I’ve had it

If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi

I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.

And now we wait…

The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…

Your spouse 🤷

I think I’m having a stroke

I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.

I spilled the beans.

Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?

Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper

It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.

My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions