Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.

Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!

Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend

Me: That’s a raccoon

Son:

Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you

safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle

me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor

it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey

dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing

me (slyly): yes

Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes

ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond

(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)

ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing

(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)

NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu

Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally

Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew

Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since

All my life lessons were learned by watching people who took my advice.

I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.

Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me

Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!

… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.

kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle

Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.

For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.

– What have you come as?

– A Werewolf.

– But… they’re your normal clothes.

– It’s not a full moon.

Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–

dad: i’ve got something special for you.

kid me: wow what is it?

dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-

kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.

Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool

Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2

[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.

What do we want?

ROCK HARD ABS!

When do we want them?

THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!

Oops, I ate my feelings again.

~ a memoir

humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs

dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns

I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.

I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.

I live life as a yeti now.

“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”

I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.

my boyfriend just said “i encourage you to try all things” to our cat who was licking up buffalo sauce

[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right