[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
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Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
My boss said to me,
“Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?”
I said, “It’s because I’m allergic to fcuking peanuts!”
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.