Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats

if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision

[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine

me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam

All I need is to hear those 3 special words

“Want a sandwich?”

just pretend nothing happened

ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?

MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe

Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks

Friend: Please don’t, please

Me: It’s about time

Ex-Friend: I’ve had it

Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food

Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??

911: 911

Me: I’m being chased

911: in your car?

Me: no in theirs

911: wh—

Me: how do I turn the sirens on?

When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.

*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*

Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?

me: [tries to write “perfect”]

my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools

You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.

The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.

I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.

My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”

Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.

Batman: We also poop.

CG: We?

B: They. I mean they

Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.

My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”

**shaking a magic 8-ball**

Me: Will my vision ever get better?

Coconut:

Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.

Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.

Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?

I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”

me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}

While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”

Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.

Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?

I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.

*Into hospital bathroom emergency intercom*: um, someone put the toilet roll on backwards

Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.