[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
You Might Also Like
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
i smell a pulitzer
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
for all #parents out there
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
I hate it when you ask what you thought was a simple question in a meeting at work, and it turns into another meeting.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.