Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..

me: omg why are you so obsessed with me

cop: because you ran over 4 people back there

interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?

me: flattery

interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?

me: that smile

interviewer: 😳

Candid photo of me, eating chips.

Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.

Who’s ready for music?

Not you.

You have tetanus

Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh

#winning

I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.

Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.

What do cheeky people drink out of?

A smug.

Frantically deleting all my negative tweets about The Hamburglar after I get a job at McDonald’s

The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.

called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs

I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.

“Oh hi, you’re home early”

[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”

Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: I was going too fast?

Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze

Me: [eats ice cream slower]

Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician

if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.

If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.

Took my son fishing and as I was carefully baiting the hook he came up to me with a minnow he caught in a ziplock bag and said ‘daddy you’re trying too hard’.

Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.

-thug life

I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID

Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.

Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt

Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?

Mugger: no

Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(

Her: You need to multitask better

Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone

Her: That’s goo-

Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else

If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.

I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”