“Oh my god, it’s a genie!”
GENIE: Please, we prefer magic-american
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
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me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Attractive people, have the decency to leave news and comedy to the rest of us.
1. Sits in the bedroom
2. Doesn’t leave the house
3. Doesn’t go out with freinds
My childhood punishments are my adult hobies 😎
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
KIDNAPPER: Get in the van
ME: Oh no thanks I’m vegetarian
KIDNAPPER: Oh okay sorry *drives away*
KIDNAPPER: Wait a minute, wtf
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.