[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
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Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Okay
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it