[first day working at a movie theater]

guy: can I get one large popcorn

me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns

You Might Also Like


“Oh my god, it’s a genie!”
GENIE: Please, we prefer magic-american


me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”

friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”

me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”


a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables


If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!


Attractive people, have the decency to leave news and comedy to the rest of us.


1. Sits in the bedroom
2. Doesn’t leave the house
3. Doesn’t go out with freinds

My childhood punishments are my adult hobies 😎


[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it


KIDNAPPER: Get in the van
ME: Oh no thanks I’m vegetarian
KIDNAPPER: Oh okay sorry *drives away*
{15min later}
KIDNAPPER: Wait a minute, wtf