@_elvishpresley_

[first day working at a movie theater]

guy: can I get one large popcorn

me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns

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@AkashThakan

Let me tell you why going outside is not safe. Because chances are after a few days you end up retweeting a joke about yourself.

@mortimermaiden

Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.

@5hael

*waiter pouring wine*

Say when sir

*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*

@AmishPornStar1

If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…

It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.

@Chase_Observes

Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.

@lilgapeach30

Girls. Don’t get upset if your twitter crush stars a really hot girl or even retweets her cause she is prolly really a dude. Stay calm.

@viadear

Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.

@3sunzzz

My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.