@_elvishpresley_

[first day working at a movie theater]

guy: can I get one large popcorn

me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns

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@NicestHippo

“Oh my god, it’s a genie!”
GENIE: Please, we prefer magic-american

@HepatitisAtoZ

me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”

friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”

me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”

@robwhisman

a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables

@MomOnFire

If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!

@anylaurie16

Attractive people, have the decency to leave news and comedy to the rest of us.

@NaeemHoosain

1. Sits in the bedroom
2. Doesn’t leave the house
3. Doesn’t go out with freinds

My childhood punishments are my adult hobies 😎

@GrantTanaka

[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it

@Home_Halfway

KIDNAPPER: Get in the van
ME: Oh no thanks I’m vegetarian
KIDNAPPER: Oh okay sorry *drives away*
{15min later}
KIDNAPPER: Wait a minute, wtf