[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
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What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.