[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
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My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
So glad we cleared that up
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*