[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
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I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
stopped in at my local wine shop to grab a bottle and was told that on a normal Tuesday they would be at $1500 in sales but they’re already around $10k lmao
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
I am so behind with news. So sad about the Titanic #rip
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.