[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
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[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Me: I’ll take this shovel. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean quicklime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one. The dead body one
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
New parent: our kids are only going to eat healthy food
That same parent, 3 kids later: it’s ok to have cookies for breakfast
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Just opened 3 birthday cards and so far I have 80 bucks.
I love being a postman.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*