[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
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doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
i dont have time for this
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
All food is good if you spell it wrong
this is so top tier i cant
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*