Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi

Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry

Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife

After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.

Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today

[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this

*family reunion*

– flirting shouldn’t be this easy

Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?

You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.

Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.

My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison

Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”

parents nowadays: video games are too violent

parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!

My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.

I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.

Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.

Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.

She said she liked it doggy style…

…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.

DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?

ME: No thank you.

[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?

ME: [watching tv]

FRIEND: You should turn it on tho

This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”

When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.

Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.

one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video

Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.

Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline

why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex

My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.

Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?

Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*

*i did