[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
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When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.