[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
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I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”
“MORE BERRIES!”
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea