[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
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my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
No chill.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
She might be a genius
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
wife: what are you thinking about
guy who invented coffee: what if we pick the fruit off this plant, remove the seeds, roast them on a stove, let them cool off, grind them up into a near powder, pour boiling hot water over them, and then drink it