[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
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Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
[after a vasectomy] do i get the cone
Searching for people who think “cologne” is spelled “colony”, is my favourite thing to do
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
I refuse to be controlled by a calendar so happy birthday to me today
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.