Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.

FBI: oops wrong one

[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots

*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*

*forgets what they’re called*

My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.

Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.

if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.

If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.

No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch

People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.

We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas

CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE

Thinking of taking Easter decorations down

You deplete me

we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot

Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.

My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.

“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”

If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.

[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.

[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.

Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?

Son: …

Me: It’s also a famous explorer.

Son: Dora?

Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.

DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be

Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*

*gravy

my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“

LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!

ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays

Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.

When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!

“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.

I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.

I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.

My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt

I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.

My boss is having a colonoscopy today.

I sure hope they find his head.