[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
You Might Also Like
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Van Gone
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
These are so Plastic Man-core
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
True freaking story!
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.