[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
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mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
School be like
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”