Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.

pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no

[My funeral]

Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential

[Art Museum]

Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.

Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING

Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.

Send wine and bail money.

Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”

Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”

*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock

[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no

Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.

Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.

Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.

An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.

I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.

This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.

Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*

It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.

So I got her a bag of peas.

I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?

Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.

I needed a laugh this morning.

Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.

me: if you love something, set it free

wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t

*phone rings*

Girlfriend: Hello.

Me: Hi, baby.

GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!

M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.

GF: No, you told me.

M:

GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?

M: Are they available?

Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.

Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.

me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?

me: you can’t take a joke

joke thief: what

My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.

me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?

therapist: no i totally get it

Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?

No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.

Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean

My 4-year-old:

last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes

If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.