In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
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My son’s teacher spelled play doh like play doe
I. Am. Concerned
BREAKING: Republicans may oppose President Obama’s decision to skip breakfast.
mom: so where did you two meet?
me: [afraid to say we met online] the concrete exercise yard of a maximum-security prison
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Some guy robbed a local gas station and stole $700 worth of cigarettes. I wonder what he’ll do with both packs.
The tattoos in your shirtless avi say ‘bad boy’; the flowered wallpaper behind you scream ‘living in mom’s sewing room’.
I don’t think the Care Bears get enough street cred for shaving their stomachs & tattooing them with happy things.
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking
ME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat