[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
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Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Go girl power!
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.