Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.

Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?

20’s: what even is a hangover?

40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge

My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.

Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*

Husband: *cries*

Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”

My son asked my wife why I make noises every time I stand up.

She told him it’s because I’m a groan man.

My wife texted me asking which rug would look best with our floors so now I’m frantically scrolling through her old texts hoping that at some point she’s texted pictures of what our floors look like.

“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye

I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.

At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.

You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.

Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”

My daughter met another toddler at the playground and my kid was like “What’s your name? Wow, that’s a beautiful name. Look at how strong you are! I love your shoes!”

And it took me a second to realize she was copying what I do when I meet a baby 😂

the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit

One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness

Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.

APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.

NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.

her: wanna go upstairs

me: ok

her: do u have protection

me: [nervously] why what’s up there

I started at the bottom and worked my way down.

thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider

[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition

my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be

Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.

make up your mind

i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose

*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store

wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy

Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit

Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.

Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.