[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
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Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.