[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
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[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.