[first day working for IKEA]

Customer: one nightstand please

Me: sorry, I’m married

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“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”nMe: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!


[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf


-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.

McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…


1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.


Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.


I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.


*kid finds Easter Basket

Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?

“What else you get?!”

A lasagna recipe..

“Great make dinner”


Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.


If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.