@spaceboyriley

[first day working for IKEA]

Customer: one nightstand please

Me: sorry, I’m married

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@CauseWereDads

“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”nMe: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!

@Ygrene

[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf

@Angibangie

-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.

McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…

@AbbyHasIssues

1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.

@TheBoydP

Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.

@Gupton68

I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.

@DirtMcTurd

*kid finds Easter Basket

Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?

“What else you get?!”

A lasagna recipe..

“Great make dinner”

@Sophie2078

Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.

@mack44_d

If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.