Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[summoning the devil]

me: come to us!

satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?

mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-

me: mom get out!

satan: susan is that you?

mom: oh my god! satey?

satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles

The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly

[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it

Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.

●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.

“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early

If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.

Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.

“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”

I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.

BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan

Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.

flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand

me: how do i access the wifi

fa: im doing safety announcements

me: is that lowercase

Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?

dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.

What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?

pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet

me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here

*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs

Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.

Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.

God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference

Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans

At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.

Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero

So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.

Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.

[a door mysteriously slams shut]

me: *spooked* what was that

the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol

me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open

I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend

I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.