Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa

the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”

You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.

If both don’t work out…eat a cake.

This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.

ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature

Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.

My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.

ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”

AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad

ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big

My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.

Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.

Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.

A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one

Me: Do the dishes.

10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.

Me: Do the dishes all week.

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no

I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.

I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.

[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?

OBAMA: How did you get this number?

still bigger than my 1st New York apartment

it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*

Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.

When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.

Neither of us has slept in 16 years.

Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!

David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please

Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.

WIFE: what the hell happened here?

ME: i broke an egg

[earlier]

ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit

Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.

A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”

If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.

I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.