Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.

I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.

My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…

Me: Go on.

My dad:

Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.

I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.

I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!

HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?

ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend

HIM: what?

ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low

HIM: what did you say?

ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂

Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs

On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”

at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom

My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks

Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!

I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.

Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?

Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student

Hockey would be better if the players had to write a short essay about what they did wrong before they could leave the penalty box.

Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..

Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.⁣

city officials are like “those potholes are supposed to be there.”

meanwhile over on facebook

The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.

The Kool-aid Man: [down on his luck] screw it, I’m going to become a swear jar

Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.

Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.

Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.

I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?

[Date]

Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs

[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up

You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.

3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706

Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.

Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?

Me: Is he a doctor?