Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school

Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.

ME: *traps a spider under a glass*

ROOMMATE: Now what?

ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.

Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.

[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]

“Ptequila, pthanks.”

ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books

DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?

*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*

Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: rewatching Frozen.

Wife: why?

Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.

Wife: why?

Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.

Wife: why?

Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.

Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.

Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.

Bees: why are all the humans disappearing

“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”

cop: show me your hands

dahmer: *opens fridge*

WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies

I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.

[at the general store]

me: one general please

I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.

Cat 911: what’s your emergency

Cat: my human is bleeding to death!

911: stay calm. what happened

Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her

911:

Cat:

911: hahahaha

Cat: hahahaHA

Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA

I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.

Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.

Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.

New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!

Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!

Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:

When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.

“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck