Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.

me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?

cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail

The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.

British drink offers for guests:

“Tea?”
“Coffee?”
“Water?”
“Squash?”
“Juice?”
“Beer?”
“Wine?”
“Something stronger perhaps?”
“I think I’ve actually got some [insert any quite obscure drink here] somewhere?”

Tony Hawk, age 6

My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”

Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.

I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah

the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air

Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.

Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.

Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”

What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.

him: damn girl you’re hot

me (menopausal): I know. it sucks

I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.

“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”

What are instructions?

“Correct.”

Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell

i was dropped as an adult

cop: *vomits*
detective: first axe murder, huh?

Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.

Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.

ME: What are you in for?

CELLMATE: Money laundering.

ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.

omg leave her alone

You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”

JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?

Pharmacist. There’s one particular cupboard in the pharmacy that is locked all the time with one lock & two padlocks. I’m the only person with the keys. The other staff all believe there are very serious drugs only I’m allowed to access in there. It’s actually my snack cupboard.

Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.

In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.

Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.