[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
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Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
guys I’m going home
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.