[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Lmao
Like many people of my generation I was brought up to live my life believing in the virtue of delayed gratification.
I’m now in my 60s and it’s too soon to say whether it was worth it.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
