Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred

I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.

I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.

I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.

If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.

Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.

Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa

What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?

What they said: Want to go camping?

Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.

Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK

Three men tried to rob my friend at gun point yesterday in Atlanta and he was so annoyed he was like “what do yall want? Advice? Cause I don’t have any money”LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me

<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?

Me: no

The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”

🤣😂🤣

I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014

me: oh… exhibition game

rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on

Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.

..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.

Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?

James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?

Therapist: That is how these things usually work.

I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.

I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”

MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:

Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.

My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.

A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless

ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah

cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go

Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.

GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?

ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.

HER: And what do you not say?

ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.

Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.

if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do