*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
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Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.