Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.

It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!

Humans are creative.

I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes

She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”

I’d help her, but I want to see if this works

Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.

For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”

Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.

I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now

I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still

Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.

There’s an envelope on my doormat with “DO NOT BEND” on it. What am I supposed to do, then – pick it up with my foot?

He has notifications on for me pray for his phone

I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.

Asked my coworker what’s wrong & he said “I’m tired of faking that I like you guys” & honestly? Mood.

My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.

The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.

Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage

Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse

Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.

It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.

Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.

The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..

My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.

In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.

For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar

*picking up coins off the dance floor*

I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.

Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows

My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”

Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you

Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news

fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am

*blunted, plastic butter knife