Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u again

DATE: That would be nice

ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her

Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.

*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*

Me: why do I keep doing this, lol

*opens twitter*

me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag

I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.

I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.

I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children

Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.

Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?

TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks

Why?

TRUMP: To make America grate again

when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.

I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich

CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.

ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*

[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]

RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed

I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.

5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.

Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?

I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.

When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.

PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.

I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…

You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?

The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.

Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.

The horror:

“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.

bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage

All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.

*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*

My child: Can I help?

Me: *straight up hissing noises*

My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.

It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”

What a random, consistent, coincidence

Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.

I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.