first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
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gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?
My teen: Circling?
Ask a stupid math question
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
They’re the worst 😩
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry