Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably

There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.

Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians

Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad

Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back

ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile

CELLMATE: no

My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind

Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you

I’m trying to explain myself less often because:

*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*

And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.

Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.

Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.

Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?

There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.

burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that

wife: [sits up] oh my god

husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed

burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch

My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.

(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.

I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions

Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?

I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.

If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe

“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?

What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.

I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns

My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!

I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.

To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.

Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”

I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.

Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.

[ first time mugging ]

me: gimme all your mash

him: did..did you just say-

me: mash. omg i did

him: lol

me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry

him: np my dude, take it from the top

me: gimme all your coney ope

Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.

it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this

I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.

—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.

—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.