Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers

I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.

“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly

[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly

I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair

This encourages me to spend less time in it

Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.

Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.

Me: You look amazing with glasses.

Her: OMG thanks

Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.

Recipe for homemade charcoal:

1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…

baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements

me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?

baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*

The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.

I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way

*trimming the tree

Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.

That moment when you google a recipe hoping for a list of ingredients and a method, only to find eight pages of guff which begins “I was five when I first realised I had a fear of envelopes…”

I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.

The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe

Just their standard naan disclosure agreement

Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on

*coworker drinks coffee I made them*

Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder

*Dresses up as a large butter knife

Im a super spreader

I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.

Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down

GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing

*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*

GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!

Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE

I’ll tell the full story later but a 30 year old woman was like “let’s take this outside” to my 68 year old mom in a dollar general and mom was like YEAH YOU DON’T WANT THAT BUT OKAY and went outside and the b***h never came outside lol

*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one

i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.

I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings

Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?

*removes 14 stick figures from car*

It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.

hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol

Date: Cat-callers disgust me.

Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.

My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*