First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”
Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”
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Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
The Kool-aid Man: [down on his luck] screw it, I’m going to become a swear jar
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Him: I need advice.
Me: (eating red velvet cake for breakfast) You came to the right person.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…