Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.

“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”

I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.

[at 25yr class reunion]

Me: You haven’t changed at all!

Her: Hahaha, thanks

Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane

please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.

I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter

Battery falling down a hole

I had a race with a smart car today.

I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.

Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.

Bootstraps

In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???

I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.

The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.

Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.

Me: First of all that’s an inmate.

It is a shame that nothing is built in America anymore. I just bought a TV that said: “Built in Antenna”.

I don’t even know where that is.

Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:

Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like

Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like

Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand

I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed

earth: I’m dying

humans: I’m sorry you feel that way

If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.

Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.

There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it

when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man

Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.

Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.

Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before

One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.

i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making