Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mongoose is French for “my goose.”

No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.

Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.

i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top

Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.

The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.

If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.

You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.

A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.

I hope to stop crying soon.

fired

How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit

I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.

FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.

[later]

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster

[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?

[paying the check at dinner]

ME: how much should I tip her?

COW WAITRESS: oh no

The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad

Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.

Me: Wake up

5-year-old:

Me: We’re late

5:

Me: The house is on fire

5:

Me: Your sister touched your stuff

5: *barrel rolls out of bed*

I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.

Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.

If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.

Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?

oh she’s cooked

Throws some pepperoni slices into my Mac ‘n Cheese. Adds ‘Master Chef’ to my resume.

When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said

My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business

If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”

“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”

Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.

Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.