[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
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Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.