Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[bank holdup]

Bank teller: interesting choice in masks

Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores

Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.

Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.

Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.

I think that’s enough internet for one day…

The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.

No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”

Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…

Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best

Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.

Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!

[my future self comes back in time]

HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years

ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me

[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*

I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.

Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”

[The glare was EPIC]

Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.

[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”

I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff

*hides some stuff

It’s maybe 35%

Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot

My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker

Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.

A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.

Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..

“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985

A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”

I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.

She’s such an idiot.

Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks

While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.

Amazon Tracking:

1. We’re not sure it exists.

2. Your package has arrived.

Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?

50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED

NED

50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT

NED

ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME