Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
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They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves