Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need to get some bricks…

I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.

Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost

Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.

doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?

patient: yes, on my mother’s side

doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes

astronaut: houston come in

houston: this had better be important

astronaut: it’s urgent

houston: fine what

astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes

Yes, but you should see the other pea

~Black eyed pea probably

me: sorry if I’m bothering you

surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that

I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.

Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other

“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”

– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.

british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”

I’m not average. I’m mean.

Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face

“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive

I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me

My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of Netflix

Me: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead

MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on

ME: *visibly ages*

My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”

[100 year old man on job interview]

“Do you have any references?”

Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*

Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.

What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.

Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?

Me: Maybe for free HBO.

Cable Guy:

Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.

Cable Guy:

This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.

I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.

Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.

Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping

Here, let me loosen those morals for you.