FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
his wife is probably gonna see that
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Hey i am sexy to you now
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
