FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
