Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”

SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.

it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed

her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you

him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags

When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too

washing hands before coronavirus:

– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off water

washing hands after coronavirus:

– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one

I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.

skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury

Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.

Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.

fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats

WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys

ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?

Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.

– me as a therapist

Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.

*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”

Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”

I wonder what happens when you stop chasing waterfalls and the waterfalls start chasing you?

*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*

Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.

Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.

me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?

Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos

AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes

or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess

ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.

Guessing they were Navy Seals in a past life

Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.

— an Easter egg

friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”

me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”

I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”

“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.

A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!

the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?

I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them