Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-

[20 minutes later]

Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND

Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.

For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.

okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?

When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.

Mummies are just super modest zombies

If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.

You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.

if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide

😂

Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad

An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.

Octopuses call that “leg day.”

If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.

Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny

Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man

My memoir is titled:

“#2 (not a sequel)”

wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.

THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree

If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.

Carry on floating head selfie chick.

Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?

Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.

*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*

Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.

To make a long story short:

Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die

The French cow says MEUX…

cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer

me: were they favorable

My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party

She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered

Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —

Me: — what kind of dessert would there be

I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.

the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE

Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn