Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DAD: please help find my daughter

DETECTIVE: what does she look like

DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW

[Death Row]

GUARD: last requests?

INMATE: a little heroin would be nice

TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*

INMATE: I meant the drug stupid

What’s that?

“It’s my pet rock.”

Why does it look sad?

DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.

“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion

Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”

Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.

Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice

If you’re in the gym filming yourself and getting mad at people getting in your shot, I’m gonna twerk in the background at whatever piece of equipment you’re on.

I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.

If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…

This sounds more like an accusation than a question.

Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather

Me:

Her:

Me: you study whether what?

An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.

Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye

7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked

It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.

Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.

Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard

Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?

Me: *holding milkshakes* what

I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.

If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.

Not many talk about it anymore, ever since they dropped the sport as “not Olympic enough,” “undignified and stupid,” and “Who the hell let him in here again?” but I was proud to represent the US at the ’56 Winter Games in Men’s Pillow-Fighting.

I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.

Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti

Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that

Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes

Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.

If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills

me *swallowing pride*

baby lion: holy shit

Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.

Me: Secretly? No.