First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
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My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
As a kid I wasn’t allowed to dress up and go trick or treating. So as an adult I enjoy it even more, and wish there were more satanic holidays.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.