First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
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I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She![]()
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Breaking news:
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Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.