[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
You Might Also Like
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Hit me in the face with a bird
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
[first day at CIA]
Do you have a weapon of mass destruction boy cuz I’d like to invade?
[last day at CIA & permanent resident on No Fly list]
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse