First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
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Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
look at me when i’m typing to you
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
nyc:
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift