Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!

Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs

hair stylist: *visibly pales

I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible

I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.

*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*

The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time

1.

ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?

PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel

and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area

interviewer: any questions?

me: yes, what are your strengths?

airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb

Wife: omg it’s happening

Me: what is?

*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*

Wife: the baby is coming

Me: what?!

Wife: the baby is coming right now

Me: you’re not pregnant!

*door creaks open*

Wife: run

Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.

[blind date]

HER: I love sports!

ME: Uh…me too

HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass

ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth

*receives text from wife

“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.

Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.

Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango

My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.

Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.

BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…

Whoa. Wait a minute.

So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?

Damn it!

*starts scraping off her stickers*

Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.

Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.

I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please

My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood

I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.

[my first day as a bank teller]

guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal

me: i’ll need to see some ID sir

guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID

me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?

guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery

me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?

willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen

me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail

willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-

me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed

willy wonka:

me: how did- how could they have prepared

“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”

“schrodinger”

My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.